English Subtitles for Love, Vulnerability, and Care: James Giles at TEDxHackney



Subtitles / Closed Captions - English

people often say<font color="#CCCCCC"> loves a mystery</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> why do</font>

you want to understand it<font color="#E5E5E5"> just let it</font> happen <font color="#CCCCCC">no</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> love is something that can be</font> understood that we can get a picture of maybe not completely understand it but we can begin to get it into

<font color="#E5E5E5">constellation and that doesn't destroy</font> the mystery of it<font color="#E5E5E5"> that in fact increases</font> the mystery<font color="#E5E5E5"> and also the beauty will</font> never understand everything but at least we can begin to get a picture of what's going on<font color="#E5E5E5"> and that is knowledge and</font>

knowledge is power it enables us to understand our love relationships and to maybe control them more now my interest in love is love is an<font color="#E5E5E5"> experience what I really want to know</font> is how we<font color="#E5E5E5"> experience love and a good way</font>

to start here is by comparing<font color="#E5E5E5"> love to</font> liking<font color="#E5E5E5"> many people often think that love</font> is just a form of intense liking<font color="#E5E5E5"> but if</font> you look at the two experiences there's a difference between them for example<font color="#CCCCCC"> our romantic love is connected</font>

to sexual desire in a way that friendship is not liking is not and if your friendship does have sexual desire in it then I don't think it's completely correct<font color="#CCCCCC"> the call</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> at friendship</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> and then</font> it's<font color="#E5E5E5"> a bit more than that love is also</font>

connected to gender in a way that friendship really isn't<font color="#E5E5E5"> it's not that</font> essential to you that<font color="#E5E5E5"> a friend is a male</font> or female<font color="#E5E5E5"> but in romantic love it's</font> pretty essential to people that are <font color="#CCCCCC">there partner is of a certain gender and</font>

even<font color="#E5E5E5"> for bisexuals bisexual people</font> report that you know<font color="#E5E5E5"> it's it is very</font> important what gender the<font color="#CCCCCC"> person's but</font> they shift gears now<font color="#E5E5E5"> they're in the same</font> sex gear<font color="#E5E5E5"> now</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> they're in the</font> <font color="#CCCCCC">was it sexier</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> when they're in that gear</font>

that<font color="#CCCCCC"> general that person is very</font> important another thing is that<font color="#E5E5E5"> love tends to be</font> <font color="#CCCCCC">swift in its</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> onset and</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> Swift in its</font> decline<font color="#CCCCCC"> friendship doesn't happen like</font> that you<font color="#E5E5E5"> aren't suddenly</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> I you</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> know</font>

<font color="#CCCCCC">fallout of</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> effort you can if you have a</font> fight or something but people tend to drift apart<font color="#CCCCCC"> their friendships or as in</font> love you don't really<font color="#E5E5E5"> drift apart it</font> tends to be swift and how it ends and <font color="#CCCCCC">Swift as it starts you you fall in love</font>

you're in love with the person <font color="#E5E5E5">another thing that</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> I</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> makes it different</font> is the volatile aspect of love and<font color="#E5E5E5"> its</font> fragility<font color="#E5E5E5"> people feel like you're in a</font> house of cards<font color="#E5E5E5"> and</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> I could fall down any</font> moment<font color="#E5E5E5"> where his friendship doesn't seem</font>

to be like that it tends to be more secure<font color="#CCCCCC"> this is just tendencies ok</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">another one is the wall friendship seems</font> to be based on our rewards and what sort of reward you get from your friend<font color="#E5E5E5"> love</font> seems to be based on the idea of

anticipation of rewards<font color="#E5E5E5"> you imagine what</font> it would be like to be with the beloved <font color="#E5E5E5">you imagine what it would be like to be</font> in her arms again<font color="#E5E5E5"> you imagine seeing her</font> you fantasize about the future<font color="#CCCCCC"> you're</font> anticipating what's happening

another way in which they differ is something that's called<font color="#E5E5E5"> reversal of</font> punishment<font color="#E5E5E5"> and most relationships</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">friendship liking relationships if it</font> you get a noxious experience with the person<font color="#E5E5E5"> new</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> tender ok you don't want to</font>

be with the person anymore<font color="#CCCCCC"> but with love</font> that can actually increase the feelings <font color="#E5E5E5">the person doesn't want to see you</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> now</font> you're going to find out how you're <font color="#E5E5E5">going to make him see you right now</font> you're going to do all these things are

going to follow the person<font color="#CCCCCC"> going</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> to call</font> <font color="#CCCCCC">you going to try this knot</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> and the more</font> the rejection happens the more<font color="#CCCCCC"> you</font> <font color="#CCCCCC">strive so it's this weird thing that</font> you're getting these are negative responses and<font color="#E5E5E5"> that's not diminishing</font>

your behavior that's increasing it now if you look at some other ways in which these experiences<font color="#E5E5E5"> differ</font> people often . towards three specific elements in intimate love relationships and these are<font color="#E5E5E5"> up trust</font>

<font color="#E5E5E5">intimacy and self-disclosure when you're</font> involved romantically with another person all of these three elements are involved <font color="#CCCCCC">you trust the person you want to</font> disclose tell about yourself and you

want to be intimate with that person<font color="#CCCCCC"> now</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">when</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> i</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> looked at these three elements i</font> thought they're not really that different there's some underlying feature that is quite basic<font color="#E5E5E5"> and this is what i call</font>

vulnerability<font color="#E5E5E5"> because in each of these</font> instances<font color="#CCCCCC"> you</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> are making yourself</font> vulnerable to the person<font color="#E5E5E5"> when I trust</font> you <font color="#CCCCCC">I'm putting myself in a vulnerable</font> situation<font color="#E5E5E5"> like when</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> I'm intimate with</font>

you<font color="#CCCCCC"> i'm doing the same thing I want</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> to</font> disclose my life details of my fears<font color="#CCCCCC"> of</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">my hopes and my dreams and my</font> <font color="#CCCCCC">embarrassment i'm doing the same thing I</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">making myself vulnerable to you now a</font> lot of people see vulnerability as being

an aspect of<font color="#CCCCCC"> life</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> yes it is but the</font> usual view is that it is something that is undesired<font color="#CCCCCC"> it's a necessary but</font> undesired consequences of love<font color="#E5E5E5"> now it</font> seems to me that if this element <font color="#CCCCCC">vulnerability is found in these other</font>

components of love and you want those other components of love<font color="#E5E5E5"> then in fact</font> you want vulnerability to vulnerability is something i would say that we actually desire we desire to be vulnerable before the person that we

love now<font color="#E5E5E5"> love is also interesting in</font> that<font color="#E5E5E5"> it is something that we don't want</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">unrequited</font> in other words to love someone is to want to be loved back when you are romantically in love with someone<font color="#CCCCCC"> it's</font>

<font color="#E5E5E5">not that you don't care what he or she</font> thinks you want the person to love you back <font color="#E5E5E5">right so</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> to love is to want to be logged</font> back but that doesn't tell us what love is it just tells us that<font color="#CCCCCC"> is got</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> these</font>

desires but if we know that vulnerabilities in there<font color="#CCCCCC"> then it looks like</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> vulnerability</font> is something that we want to be shown back to us so in other words<font color="#CCCCCC"> I</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> when</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> I'm in love</font>

with someone<font color="#E5E5E5"> I want to be vulnerable</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">before her and because to love is to</font> want to be loved<font color="#CCCCCC"> bag then</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> I want her to</font> want to be vulnerable before me<font color="#CCCCCC"> I want</font> reciprocal vulnerability<font color="#E5E5E5"> now</font> <font color="#CCCCCC">vulnerability is a fascinating</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> thing</font>

because it points<font color="#E5E5E5"> in two different</font> directions it's got this<font color="#CCCCCC"> Janice</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> face</font> quality to it<font color="#E5E5E5"> one of the meanings of</font> vulnerability is the need to be cared for and if you look at love that's what's going on right care is something

involved in that<font color="#CCCCCC"> so what role</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> does care</font> <font color="#CCCCCC">play love will look vulnerable ility</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">implies</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> care</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> when I want someone's</font> vulnerability I want her to be vulnerable before me so that I can care for her<font color="#E5E5E5"> and in the same way</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> I want her</font>

to<font color="#E5E5E5"> want me to be vulnerable before her</font> so she can care for me<font color="#E5E5E5"> so you see love</font> is actually quite complex<font color="#CCCCCC"> its</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> these</font> reciprocal desires<font color="#E5E5E5"> implying</font> vulnerability and care<font color="#E5E5E5"> it's the desire</font> to be loved back<font color="#CCCCCC"> so when I love someone</font>

<font color="#E5E5E5">I want that person to have the same</font> desires towards me that I have towards her and those desires are the desire to be vulnerable before her so that she can care for me and her to be vulnerable before me so that I can care for her and

I want her to want the same things back <font color="#E5E5E5">now that is a very complex</font> <font color="#CCCCCC">black-and-white</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> picture</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> it's obvious the</font> gradients and the gradient comes in one of the ways of gradient comes in here is because of this

<font color="#CCCCCC">Janice taste quality of vulnerability</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">throw vulnerability</font> not only is the need for care<font color="#CCCCCC"> it's also</font> has another<font color="#E5E5E5"> meaning which is the</font> susceptibility to be harmed<font color="#E5E5E5"> when</font> something is vulnerable

it is susceptible to harm which is why you care for it<font color="#E5E5E5"> but what can happen is</font> that thing can flip back and forth in a love relationship where<font color="#E5E5E5"> harm can work</font> its way in<font color="#E5E5E5"> so that vulnerability does</font> not just imply care but also implies a

little bit of harm now if we take this complex picture we can see this sort of ideal structure of reciprocal desires<font color="#E5E5E5"> where you have</font> availability and<font color="#CCCCCC"> care</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> wanted back and</font> forth<font color="#E5E5E5"> now let's start breaking it down</font>

and this is what's good about this we have seeing<font color="#CCCCCC"> love</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> is it allows us to</font> explain various orientations in love or love orientations as i like to call them which take different degrees here<font color="#E5E5E5"> if for</font> example<font color="#E5E5E5"> i desire another to be</font>

vulnerable before another person in order that person<font color="#E5E5E5"> in order for that</font> person to care for me<font color="#E5E5E5"> but</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> i</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> don't really</font> desire the opposite<font color="#E5E5E5"> i</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> don't</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> really</font> desire for myself to care for the other person then<font color="#CCCCCC"> I have a dependency</font>

orientation<font color="#E5E5E5"> in love</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> I want to be</font> vulnerable and be cared for<font color="#CCCCCC"> but</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> aren't</font> so interested in caring for the other person<font color="#E5E5E5"> and if you think about it you</font> might well know people who have that sort of orientation<font color="#CCCCCC"> now the complement</font>

of that is what i would like to call paternalism<font color="#E5E5E5"> where you desire the other</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">person's vulnerability so that you can</font> care for her<font color="#E5E5E5"> but you don't want her</font> caring for you<font color="#E5E5E5"> then you have a</font> paternalistic orientation to love<font color="#E5E5E5"> and</font>

sometimes<font color="#CCCCCC"> that compliment can work</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> and</font> again<font color="#E5E5E5"> these various degrees here</font> right this is<font color="#CCCCCC"> i'm just</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> laying out the</font> different types and they can slide into each other and in any love relationship <font color="#CCCCCC">i would argue</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> that it can play back and</font>

forth<font color="#E5E5E5"> where one time a person is in one</font> orientation<font color="#CCCCCC"> more than the other</font> now if we bring harm in then we are able to understand a very common feature of love which is a sadomasochistic<font color="#E5E5E5"> aspect</font> of love<font color="#CCCCCC"> if what I desire is to be</font>

vulnerable before another person in order<font color="#CCCCCC"> to that person</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> can person can harm</font> me or humiliate me or<font color="#CCCCCC"> I</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> control me then</font> that is a masochistic<font color="#E5E5E5"> form of love and</font> again<font color="#CCCCCC"> this</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> degrees now the opposite of</font> that is a<font color="#CCCCCC"> sadistic forum where I desire</font>

the other<font color="#E5E5E5"> person's vulnerability in</font> order that i can control or harm that person and these elements seem to be going on in most<font color="#E5E5E5"> love relationships in</font> various degrees<font color="#E5E5E5"> and shades now once you</font> see this<font color="#CCCCCC"> this</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> gives you a bit more power</font>

to understand what you're doing and what's going on<font color="#E5E5E5"> and take control of it</font> and decide how you want your love relationships to play out now this ties <font color="#CCCCCC">this also helps to explain another</font> fascinating aspect of love which is its

relation to sexual desire<font color="#E5E5E5"> how sexual</font> desire<font color="#CCCCCC"> it into love</font> well we already know that our love is a complex of reciprocal desires and their intense desires and<font color="#CCCCCC"> i would argue that</font> <font color="#CCCCCC">they're so intense that they spill over</font>

into physical desires so that vulnerability in care<font color="#E5E5E5"> can also be seen</font> as physical vulnerability and care<font color="#E5E5E5"> so to</font> sexually desire someone is<font color="#E5E5E5"> to desire</font> that person to be physically vulnerable before you<font color="#E5E5E5"> in order that you can</font>

physically care for them and physical vulnerability one of the best examples of that<font color="#CCCCCC"> his nakedness</font> when<font color="#E5E5E5"> you're naked before another person</font> you are physically vulnerable and to care for that vulnerability is to caress

it<font color="#E5E5E5"> so</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> bearing and caressing</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> are the</font> physical forms of vulnerability and care however sexual desire is simpler than romantic desire in that it does not imply reciprocity it can but<font color="#E5E5E5"> to sexual</font> desire someone is not<font color="#E5E5E5"> to desire that she</font>

<font color="#E5E5E5">sexually desires you back</font> you don't need to<font color="#E5E5E5"> you can do that and</font> that<font color="#E5E5E5"> happens in</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> relationships</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> but you</font> can sexually desire someone and not really care about the person desires at all<font color="#CCCCCC"> that makes it simpler</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> now i hope</font>

that this<font color="#E5E5E5"> picture can</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> i'm</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> not giving any</font> real psychological reasons why someone <font color="#CCCCCC">chooses one or</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> the other but</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> i will say</font> that you can see the very beginnings of this relationship in the mother-infant <font color="#E5E5E5">relationship because</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> they're you have</font>

volume ability and care<font color="#E5E5E5"> the infant is</font> vulnerable to the mother who desires to care for the<font color="#E5E5E5"> invent</font><font color="#CCCCCC"> now that's not a</font> reciprocal relationship<font color="#E5E5E5"> but it does</font> become reciprocal very quickly<font color="#E5E5E5"> or even a</font> very young infant<font color="#E5E5E5"> before one year of age</font>

will imitate the<font color="#CCCCCC"> mothers behavior and</font> offer her food and try to care for the mother in the way that the mother is caring for the infant<font color="#E5E5E5"> this is the germ</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">and the core of romantic love and you</font> even see the prototype for sexual

interaction which<font color="#CCCCCC"> I would</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> argue is</font> breastfeeding<font color="#CCCCCC"> their</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> you have an intimate</font> <font color="#E5E5E5">interchange interpenetration of bodies</font> that you have in the later relationship in the later sexual desire relationship and this<font color="#CCCCCC"> I hope</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> gives you some form of</font>

star chart to appreciate the <font color="#CCCCCC">constellations</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> of what is going on in</font> love<font color="#CCCCCC"> we could call that</font><font color="#E5E5E5"> love gazing</font> rather than stargazing thank you very much



Video Description

James is a philosopher and psychologist and Lecturer in the University of Cambridge Institute for Continuing Education. He has taught at several universities in different countries. Giles' writings on philosophical psychology, metaphysics, and human relationships, are widely discussed. He is best known for his version of the no-self theory of personal identity, the vulnerability and care theory of love, and the theory of sexual desire as an existential need and he has authored The Nature of Sexual Desire. Giles' works are typically interdisciplinary and intercultural, drawing on such areas as philosophy, psychology, anthropology, and biology, while exploring their expression in different cultures. Only through such an approach, argues Giles, can we hope to understand the human condition.

www.james-giles.com

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